I don’t remember when all of my childhood trauma happened. I only remember approximate ages of when bad things happened to me. When I recall and write down the memory, it’s like I’m reliving it in the present moment, and I don’t want to do that continuously. It’s hard to write about trauma. It can be cathartic, but it can also cause me to feel worked up and anxious. I will try to write my story with clarity. I will try to keep things simple as I write.
Lately I’ve been thinking about going back to school. I’ve been considering a wide range of options, from law, to public health and social work. My latest idea is nursing, and that would mean going back for a second bachelor’s degree instead of a masters. This idea is actually sticking with me since I didn’t perform very well in my first bachelor’s. It feels like a second chance, and I like the idea of starting over. I’m not sure what it’s like to be a nurse, but I definitely can talk to some people around me about that. I feel excited to start with the prerequisites and work along the track that is laid out for nursing students. While it is a big commitment, I feel it will have a big pay off in the long run.
Happy New Year 2017! I’ve stepped away from this blog, semi forgetting about it, but I haven’t stepped away from writing entirely. In 2016 I organized my stories about Hong Kong into a manuscript of sorts. Hong Kong is still the bad part. I feel like I’ve only been stable for a year on my medications. Prior to that, I felt awful. There were a lot of ups and downs, trying to create balance in my life of work and play while getting healthier. I still wonder if the rejection of medication at the beginning of my journey with my diagnosis was sole reason things went awry. It can’t be. There have to be other factors that contributed to the mental mess I was in for the past decade. I am slowly walking out of the haze, the shadow or the storm, whatever you would like to call it. I try to run, and I slip on the ice because it is black and camouflaged to the pavement beneath me. I remind myself to grow up slowly, just as a friend once told me in college.